What Next, Lord?

January 1, 2003

My Pastor had a wonderful message last night at the New Year’s Eve service at church on Philippians 3:13-14, “This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” I must forget the trials of the past year and press on, looking unto Jesus. He is the Captain of the ship and is smiling in the storm. He is in control and working out His sovereign will.

Dear Father, Thank You for saving my soul. Thank You that today is the first day of the rest of my life. Thank You that You are my joy, strength, and that You will supply my every need as You did last year. Thank You for a warm, safe place to live and a measure of health. Help me to grow to know You better and to study your Word more. Help me to eat right, exercise, and finish organizing my new home. Guide me to the right job and help me serve You in new ways. I look forward to seeing what You will do this New Year! In Christ’s Name, Amen

January 17

I had an interview last week for a substitute school nurse, but they only pay $12 per hour which is really low. I think that over time, I would become quite bored with school nursing. I sent out three resumes for a hospital research position, for a teaching position at an Associate Degree nursing program, and for a teaching position at a Technical School for Licensed Practical Nurses (LPN).

Mrs. D, the Director of the LPN program, called me today to discuss the teaching position. The school is located 15 minutes from my home. I would teach two to three days each week and supervise eight students for six hours the other two days per week at a local nursing home. The staff receives two weeks of vacation, eight floating days off, and every Monday off the last nine weeks of a thirteen week module. The students complete four modules in order to graduate and become a LPN. Most LPNs work as staff nurses in long term care facilities giving medications and treatments to the patients. It will be quite a change for me to teach students right out of high school compared to Registered Nurses or master’s degree students. Mrs. D. asked if I would rather teach Anatomy and Physiology, or Fundamentals of Nursing? I replied that I prefer to teach Fundamentals. We scheduled an interview for next week.

The hospital called me and said they are not interested in me for the research position, but would notify me of any Nurse Practitioner positions. I did not receive a reply from the AD program.

February 3

“Be strong (take courage)… and work; for I am with you, says the Lord of hosts.” Haggai 2:4

I had my interview at the LPN school. Mrs. D. asked me to teach the students for ten minutes on something in nursing, so I taught them how to do a computer ergonomic evaluation of a person’s desk to prevent repetitive use injuries. I learned how to do this when I worked in employee health at the insurance company. Apparently the students liked my presentation, because they all voted to hire me! I start work in one week on February 10.

February 20

I have now completed working two weeks of orientation at the LPN school and it has been rather rough between standing for five to six hours daily at the nursing home and dealing with bed bound comatose patients. My back pain is intense at the end of the day. I have been visiting the ten different nursing homes the school uses for sites for the students and shadowing the different instructors. One instructor, Donna, was particularly helpful. She is in her sixties and has terrible back pain, so she is not sure how much longer she can work for the school. She has been at the school for one year and works 40-50 hours weekly. They keep switching her to different modules, so she has to continually make new lesson plans.

“I will instruct thee and teach you in the way which you should go; I will guide thee with My eye upon you.” Psalm 32:8  

Dear Lord, Make your will clear to me and give me the strength to teach another day.

psalm 32 8

God encouraged me with Psalm 32:8

 March 7

I have been home sick for three days because I have a bad head cold, have lost my voice, and can’t enter the nursing home with my cold. So I am preparing lectures. I thank the Lord for this break to rest my back also. I’m still not sure this is the right job for me, but I am going to try and teach for six months or until I collapse.

March 22

I completed my orientation my first week of teaching the 31 new students. Some have had a previous career as a nursing assistant, beautician, engineer, accountant, or carpenter. Some were born in Ghana, Jamaica, and Poland, so it is a real mix of students. The school’s only requirement is that they have a high school diploma and pay the tuition of $17,000.

My first class was to teach the nursing process which took four hours. I thought I made it clear to the students, but the director said three students came to her and complained that they didn’t understand the class. She ordered me to review it all again with the students in the next two hours, so I did this in addition to reviewing their homework. Then I taught Environment and Safety in one hour which was supposed to take two hours. I am definitely having trouble gaging how long it takes to teach each topic. I was totally exhausted last night after teaching for three hours with my raw throat.

Reflection

And so began my rocky chapter of learning to teach LPN students. It was a continual exercise of leaning totally on God to give me the wisdom and strength to teach them while learning the expectations of the school. After being a competent Nurse Practitioner, it was a humbling experience to start over again in a new area of nursing. But on the other hand, the variety of positions one can have is one of the unique things about being a nurse.

Rejection and Sorrow

April, 1995

My interview for graduate school seemed to go well. I will learn next week whether or not I am accepted, so the waiting which began last September is almost over! I hope the fact that I did well in my first two courses at the State University will help with my admission. But the competition is very strong with hundreds of nurses applying for only 15 positions.

May, 1995

I received my letter today from the State University, and I was not accepted. They invited me to apply again next year, because they just don’t have room. It was quite a blow and a shock, and I feel like a total failure. It’s kind of like preparing for the big game for nine months and then being thrown off the team or having the big game cancelled. I guess I thought that since I will probably never marry, I could at least work on my career, but that door appears closed also. I haven’t had the courage to tell my parents or sister yet. I cried all day yesterday and today. I asked God to comfort me and show me what He wants me to do now.

“Make haste, O God, to deliver me; make haste to help me, O Lord.” Psalm 70:1

July, 1995

I attended a Bible seminar with ladies from church a few days after I received my rejection letter. One lady suggested I search for other MSN programs that offer the Nurse Practitioner tract. I discovered a small private college that is a shorter drive than the State University and is just starting a Family Nurse Practitioner program. I have not had any pediatric experience since I received my BSN other than volunteer camp nursing, but I guess I could learn about it again. I decided to apply and I should learn in August whether or not they accept me. If they do, they will allow me to transfer my two courses I completed at the State University, so those courses would not be wasted. I should be able to complete my Master’s of Science in Nursing degree (MSN) in three years by taking two courses in the evening each semester while continuing to work full-time as a visiting nurse. My employer will continue to reimburse me my tuition for up to two courses a semester as long as I receive an A or B grade. The price per course hour is the same as the State University. Right now, I feel like all the ambition for school has disappeared, so I really don’t care one way or the other.

Dear Lord, Please make my heart right concerning school if You want me to continue to study for my MSN. Amen.

I also finished an intense Spanish course at the local community college with an emphasis in medical Spanish. Some folks at church are fluent in Spanish, so they let me practice talking with them which was helpful.

September 30, 1995

So much has happened since July. I was accepted at the College into the Family Nurse Practitioner program. My brother was married on August 20 which my parents were able to attend. My mother’s cancer spread to her liver last January, but her dying wish was to attend my brother’s wedding. It was sad to see her barely able to sit up in her wheelchair. It was bittersweet to say goodby to her on what is normally a happy occasion. My parents flew back to Florida where she died at home on August 28. I flew to her funeral and then started school as soon as I returned to New England. Some nights I can’t sleep and cry for several hours. These feelings are so strange with the sorrow of missing her and yet joy in knowing that she is home with the Lord, rejoicing in Him, and free of her old broken body. I miss hearing her voice and talking with her on the phone.

I was accepted into the MSN program at a small private college.

I was accepted into the MSN program at a small private college.

I started school the week after Mom died. I wasn’t sure I could concentrate enough because of my grief, but somehow, God is giving me the strength and concentration. I like it much better than the State University. I am taking graduate level statistics and have a wonderful instructor who makes it very clear. Hopefully, I won’t fall asleep in statistics class this time like I did 22 years ago when I took it for my BSN! We are also having to solve problems on the computer with a 5 inch floppy disc that corresponds to our textbook. I am thankful for my personal computer at home so I don’t have to do all my homework on campus.

January 1, 1996

“That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death…I follow after.” Philippians 3: 10,12. “Man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.” Isaiah 53:3. “The Lord is near unto those who are of a broken heart….None of them who trust in Him shall be desolate.”  Psalm 34:18, 22

As I reflect on 1995, I believe it was my year to become acquainted with sorrow. It was one year ago yesterday that Mom found out her cancer had spread to her liver. I thank God for the work He has done in my heart this past year through my new friend, Sorrow. It is an acquaintance I would not have chosen voluntarily, but God chose this friend for me to press me closer to His heart and make me more sensitive to others who are sorrowing.

I thank God for helping me complete my two courses in graduate school with good grades. I was amazed that I received one of the highest grades in Statistics, my old foe. That was purely by the grace of God for which I praise Him!

God helped me conquer my old foe, Statistics, in graduate school!

God helped me conquer my old foe, Statistics, in graduate school!

I also met with the Dean and found out it will take me four more years of attending school part-time before I can complete my MSN degree.  I have now completed three semesters. I’m not sure I have the strength and ambition to attend eight more semesters, so I guess I will just take it one semester at a time and trust the Lord. I am claiming God’s promise in Psalm 84:11.

Psalm 84-11

Dear Lord, I commit this New Year to You. Cause me to know You better and follow You. Amen.

Reflection

So ended my year of rejection, acceptance, and sorrow. It was a challenging year, but I have learned since then that God seems to use the most difficult times in my life to cause me to lean harder on Him. I grow in His grace as I experience His loving kindness and strength in a new and deeper way. I pray you may be encouraged to draw near to Him if you are going through such a time as this today.