My interview for graduate school seemed to go well. I will learn next week whether or not I am accepted, so the waiting which began last September is almost over! I hope the fact that I did well in my first two courses at the State University will help with my admission. But the competition is very strong with hundreds of nurses applying for only 15 positions.
I received my letter today from the State University, and I was not accepted. They invited me to apply again next year, because they just don’t have room. It was quite a blow and a shock, and I feel like a total failure. It’s kind of like preparing for the big game for nine months and then being thrown off the team or having the big game cancelled. I guess I thought that since I will probably never marry, I could at least work on my career, but that door appears closed also. I haven’t had the courage to tell my parents or sister yet. I cried all day yesterday and today. I asked God to comfort me and show me what He wants me to do now.
“Make haste, O God, to deliver me; make haste to help me, O Lord.” Psalm 70:1
I attended a Bible seminar with ladies from church a few days after I received my rejection letter. One lady suggested I search for other MSN programs that offer the Nurse Practitioner tract. I discovered a small private college that is a shorter drive than the State University and is just starting a Family Nurse Practitioner program. I have not had any pediatric experience since I received my BSN other than volunteer camp nursing, but I guess I could learn about it again. I decided to apply and I should learn in August whether or not they accept me. If they do, they will allow me to transfer my two courses I completed at the State University, so those courses would not be wasted. I should be able to complete my Master’s of Science in Nursing degree (MSN) in three years by taking two courses in the evening each semester while continuing to work full-time as a visiting nurse. My employer will continue to reimburse me my tuition for up to two courses a semester as long as I receive an A or B grade. The price per course hour is the same as the State University. Right now, I feel like all the ambition for school has disappeared, so I really don’t care one way or the other.
Dear Lord, Please make my heart right concerning school if You want me to continue to study for my MSN. Amen.
I also finished an intense Spanish course at the local community college with an emphasis in medical Spanish. Some folks at church are fluent in Spanish, so they let me practice talking with them which was helpful.
September 30, 1995
So much has happened since July. I was accepted at the College into the Family Nurse Practitioner program. My brother was married on August 20 which my parents were able to attend. My mother’s cancer spread to her liver last January, but her dying wish was to attend my brother’s wedding. It was sad to see her barely able to sit up in her wheelchair. It was bittersweet to say goodby to her on what is normally a happy occasion. My parents flew back to Florida where she died at home on August 28. I flew to her funeral and then started school as soon as I returned to New England. Some nights I can’t sleep and cry for several hours. These feelings are so strange with the sorrow of missing her and yet joy in knowing that she is home with the Lord, rejoicing in Him, and free of her old broken body. I miss hearing her voice and talking with her on the phone.
I started school the week after Mom died. I wasn’t sure I could concentrate enough because of my grief, but somehow, God is giving me the strength and concentration. I like it much better than the State University. I am taking graduate level statistics and have a wonderful instructor who makes it very clear. Hopefully, I won’t fall asleep in statistics class this time like I did 22 years ago when I took it for my BSN! We are also having to solve problems on the computer with a 5 inch floppy disc that corresponds to our textbook. I am thankful for my personal computer at home so I don’t have to do all my homework on campus.
January 1, 1996
“That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death…I follow after.” Philippians 3: 10,12. “Man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.” Isaiah 53:3. “The Lord is near unto those who are of a broken heart….None of them who trust in Him shall be desolate.” Psalm 34:18, 22
As I reflect on 1995, I believe it was my year to become acquainted with sorrow. It was one year ago yesterday that Mom found out her cancer had spread to her liver. I thank God for the work He has done in my heart this past year through my new friend, Sorrow. It is an acquaintance I would not have chosen voluntarily, but God chose this friend for me to press me closer to His heart and make me more sensitive to others who are sorrowing.
I thank God for helping me complete my two courses in graduate school with good grades. I was amazed that I received one of the highest grades in Statistics, my old foe. That was purely by the grace of God for which I praise Him!
I also met with the Dean and found out it will take me four more years of attending school part-time before I can complete my MSN degree. I have now completed three semesters. I’m not sure I have the strength and ambition to attend eight more semesters, so I guess I will just take it one semester at a time and trust the Lord. I am claiming God’s promise in Psalm 84:11.
Dear Lord, I commit this New Year to You. Cause me to know You better and follow You. Amen.
So ended my year of rejection, acceptance, and sorrow. It was a challenging year, but I have learned since then that God seems to use the most difficult times in my life to cause me to lean harder on Him. I grow in His grace as I experience His loving kindness and strength in a new and deeper way. I pray you may be encouraged to draw near to Him if you are going through such a time as this today.